Codependence and Ds-Ms
As I sit here (okay, stretch out over my bed with a cat shoved into my side) trying to come up with a blog idea, my mind wandered to what I have on tap for the rest of the week. Need to log in to a few of the local much Zooms, make sure sure I have some talk points for my kid’s therapist, later that day, my CODA meeting – hmmm CODA.
CODA stands for Codependents Anonymous. Yes, I am codependent and it’s something I struggle with every minute of every day.
For years now, I have had the idea that being submissive or slave meant that there had to be some codependence in a D/s or M/s relationship. I have insisted to myself and others that there has to be some kind of codependence involved because there is some kind of surrender of free will and control to another and the consensual slave must be completely devoted to her Master (going heteronormative here for the sake of getting my thoughts out quickly.) She does give up her free will to him and she does give up her freedom in order to be led. She must, by the virtue of the dynamic, become dependent upon him.
Now, in CODA, the following are part of the healing process – and here is where I have had brain twists.
12. It is important to set limits and be selfish
My thought is that I relinquish my limits and boundaries to my Master when I trust him to take care of me. (That I do it inappropriately is also a matter here.) Those limits and boundaries are discussed, agreed upon, and then relinquished.
Codependents often are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
In recovery, I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
Afraid? I have been before. I’m not quite sure how to address this but it causes me stress. I have always had the mindset that a slave yields to her Master’s beliefs and opinions. She may be allowed to express them, but it is he that decides, ultimately.
Codependents often are hyper-vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
In recovery, I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings.
I could be wrong, but I feel like a lot of submissives are “fixers”. I know I am. I also know that while I am not an “Empath”, I am very empathetic and do feel the same way others do in situations, even when the pain isn’t mine. I often notice others’ discomfort and want to mitigate it, I want to help and fix it. I think this is particularly true with a Dominant, at least for me.
Codependents often put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
In recovery, I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans.
This goes back to the expressing of opinions. I want to please my Dominant partner, so I am always more likely to do what he wants. I yield to him and his want and needs.
Codependents often have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
In recovery, I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.
Buuuut I am needed. I am the other half of a pair. He is also needed. I sure as heck don’t want balance and equality. He is greater than me.
No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended – Precious and Free
Again, this is part of him being greater than I am. He is a power greater than me because I made him so. This is part of my strength, isn’t it?
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
Well, again. I am not equal to my partner. I am a consensual slave and he is the owner. This is NOT the slavery of the Bible, the American South, indenture, or any other state or religious sanction or custom. This is a lovestyle choice where I give him my power and gives me protection, strength, and guidance.
These are things that I have been mulling over for years. Am I allowed to be kinda codependent? Am I allowed to sort of be in recovery? I don’t think so. So, I need to mull on this, journal the hell out of it in my personal journal, find a BDSM involved sponsor, and figure out if there are other ways of thinking and reading what CODA says and the meaning, emotions, and flaws in my version of D/s and M/s.
There will absolutely be more on this at another time but I invite you to give your thoughts. I do respect them and I do want to hear them to add them to the mix in my brain.
Best, k.
CODA stands for Codependents Anonymous. Yes, I am codependent and it’s something I struggle with every minute of every day.
For years now, I have had the idea that being submissive or slave meant that there had to be some codependence in a D/s or M/s relationship. I have insisted to myself and others that there has to be some kind of codependence involved because there is some kind of surrender of free will and control to another and the consensual slave must be completely devoted to her Master (going heteronormative here for the sake of getting my thoughts out quickly.) She does give up her free will to him and she does give up her freedom in order to be led. She must, by the virtue of the dynamic, become dependent upon him.
Now, in CODA, the following are part of the healing process – and here is where I have had brain twists.
12. It is important to set limits and be selfish
My thought is that I relinquish my limits and boundaries to my Master when I trust him to take care of me. (That I do it inappropriately is also a matter here.) Those limits and boundaries are discussed, agreed upon, and then relinquished.
Codependents often are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
In recovery, I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
Afraid? I have been before. I’m not quite sure how to address this but it causes me stress. I have always had the mindset that a slave yields to her Master’s beliefs and opinions. She may be allowed to express them, but it is he that decides, ultimately.
Codependents often are hyper-vigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
In recovery, I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings.
I could be wrong, but I feel like a lot of submissives are “fixers”. I know I am. I also know that while I am not an “Empath”, I am very empathetic and do feel the same way others do in situations, even when the pain isn’t mine. I often notice others’ discomfort and want to mitigate it, I want to help and fix it. I think this is particularly true with a Dominant, at least for me.
Codependents often put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
In recovery, I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans.
This goes back to the expressing of opinions. I want to please my Dominant partner, so I am always more likely to do what he wants. I yield to him and his want and needs.
Codependents often have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
In recovery, I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.
Buuuut I am needed. I am the other half of a pair. He is also needed. I sure as heck don’t want balance and equality. He is greater than me.
No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended – Precious and Free
Again, this is part of him being greater than I am. He is a power greater than me because I made him so. This is part of my strength, isn’t it?
6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
Well, again. I am not equal to my partner. I am a consensual slave and he is the owner. This is NOT the slavery of the Bible, the American South, indenture, or any other state or religious sanction or custom. This is a lovestyle choice where I give him my power and gives me protection, strength, and guidance.
These are things that I have been mulling over for years. Am I allowed to be kinda codependent? Am I allowed to sort of be in recovery? I don’t think so. So, I need to mull on this, journal the hell out of it in my personal journal, find a BDSM involved sponsor, and figure out if there are other ways of thinking and reading what CODA says and the meaning, emotions, and flaws in my version of D/s and M/s.
There will absolutely be more on this at another time but I invite you to give your thoughts. I do respect them and I do want to hear them to add them to the mix in my brain.
Best, k.
