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“Real” – Journal Prompt

On the Journaling Channel of chat, a prompt was offered by chrissa:

What is a “real submissive” or a “real dominant”? Some additional information: Often times people put qualifiers on what it means to be real in this community. Examples of some stereotypes I’ve heard since joining the lifestyle (not necessarily directed at me, just heard the argument made): 1. You don’t do pain or you don’t like being degraded, you aren’t a real sub. 2. You only want to care for me, you aren’t a real dom. But there are also examples like: you only want to dom/submit when you’re horny.

Are they still real? Or just kind of kinky? Do you see a difference between a BDSM kink vs. being in the lifestyle?

Answer here, in chat, or even on your own journal.

thebdsmgarden

This is just a little slice of The Garden at www.TheBDSMGarden.com, a resource community for those already practicing, or wishing to learn the art and lifestyle of Domination and submission in their various forms and practices. In The Garden, guests learn and share the ideas and realities of pain mixed with pleasure and a moment or lifetime of consensual service. Beyond The Garden gate exists a growing collection of essays, definitions, and interactive amenities to assist the curious and the expert in self-discovery, learning, and fun. The following is an extract from the book Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns explaining Dominance, submission, and the common bonds we share. “In exchange for obedience by the submissive, the dominant agrees to care for and work toward the pleasure of both partners. Thus empowered by the sub, the dominant takes control of their scenes and agrees to abide by the limits she sets. . Some people extend D/S roles outside the bedroom, often referring to themselves as "slave" [or "submissive/ subservient"] and "master." Generally, these people consider themselves D/S "lifestylers".” Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, Miller and Devon, Mystic Rose Books,1995, p. 9

1 Comment

  1. thebdsmgarden

    Sleepmonger Replied:
    Ah the one true way arguments. The scourge of new submissives and dominants worldwide. Given the size of the BDSM community and ease of finding information the one true way movement seems to have died down quite a bit but there are still holdouts using it to manipulate submissives and win (gender neutral) dick measuring contests with new dominants.

    Most of us detest when the word “real” comes out but unfortunately because people using these insults tend to target newcomers it still has the power to do harm. Both to the community and to the individuals being insulted.

    New submissives read the literature and see these experienced subs without knowing of those subs own internal struggles and learning processes. Then when someone accuses them of not being authentic because they aren’t willing or interested in something that doesn’t work for them they’re inclined to believe it. This leads to them doing something they don’t want to out of a fear that if they don’t they won’t be accepted into the lifestyle. Or, it leads to them feeling like they don’t fit in and withdrawing from the community.

    On the other side brand new dominants already think that their submissive expects them to already know everything going in. Seeing discussions and insults thrown by those who think there’s only one true way to be a dominant spikes an insecurity that makes new doms not seek out advice or mentorship in order to feel “real” but also to save their submissive the embarrassment of choosing to submit to someone who is not a “real dom.” This leads to ACTUAL physical and mental risks where play happens without understanding or communication.

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